Depression

Most of you who know me know that I was diagnosed with post partum depression when our youngest was 8 months old. Somehow I managed to have a seemingly normal life with the exception of panic attacks until one day it was pointed out to me that I was crying all the time for no apparent reason. The crying got worse, I worried irrationally about things, I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep and started to lose the ability to think things through logically. Thankfully I had short moments of clarity throughout the beginning and knew that I needed help. I made an appointment and managed to keep it. I left the Dr.'s office armed with antidepressants that I thought would be a quick fix. It got worse before it got better. I'd long quit doing the things that I'd loved to do. I quit taking phone calls from friends, I stopped going places. I thought I'd never feel "normal" again.

I remember being afraid to sleep because I didn't want the disappointment of waking up and realizing I wasn't "better". Nights held hopes of a better day and the mornings brought disappointment when I woke up and still felt the same.

It's been almost two years since then. In some ways I've fought it everyday in the back of my mind. Lately I feel like I'm having to fight harder. I'm not unhappy at all. Things are actually wonderful around here. I have much to be thankful for this Holiday Season. It just seems that the memory of what I went through seems to be pushing it's way into my thoughts more these days. I hope it's just the two year mark approaching but if it's not, I'm stronger and more educated about depression now. I will not allow myself to be pulled back into the depths of that hell. Am I a bit scared? Definitely, but I'm also determined.